Love & compassion

I know that getting upset or moody is a part of the natural ups and downs of life and it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong. 

And I still have a hard time getting over myself at times. In fairness I get over myself pretty damn well but I have some judgment about having any emotional reaction at all and it lasting longer than a few minutes. While typing this up in my phone I realized that the “problem” is me adding on a whole other emotional reaction- beating myself up for having an emotional reaction in the first place.

So if I remove that extra layer of judgement what’s left? 

I am suffering because I believe thoughts that aren’t true. Thoughts about my relationship. Thoughts about my boyfriends feelings towards me. I hurt my own feelings with a story that my brain made up. Then I hurt them again because I want the recognition that it was a made up story to be enough. I want *poof* to feel better. *Poof* to get over myself & enjoy this morning with the man who loves me & whom I love. 

I don’t want to hold on to upsetting feelings. Nothing wrong or bad is happening; it’s just a natural part of being human. But I realize I still resist being human.

I know these unwanted feelings are temporary, but my brain tells they’re not temporary enough. And that better yet I should never have them. If I feel good most of the time why can’t I feel good all of the time?

My boyfriend can see I’m not myself & he’s trying to get me to feel better. “Do you want to go walk to breakfast?” he asks kindly.  

“No.” I close my eyes still feeling sorry for myself and think: I want you to tell me that I looked so beautiful last night. That I look beautiful now. That you’re so happy to be with me. Cringe as I realize the insecure thinking I’ve got going on here & that I’m missing the big picture- that he loves me and I love him. That insecure part of me thinks that he needs to find me attractive and that maybe he doesn’t and that is life or death.  I judge these thoughts as they seem so insecure & immature. I’m 40 for goodness sake. We live together. He loves me. Also, I’m more than my physical body. My brain says, but one of the main reasons he’s with you is because of your body. Maybe it’s changing. Maybe you didn’t look good last night. You wear sweatpants and leggings a lot of the time now that you live together. And he sees how much you eat now. 

All of this is going on in my head, but I don’t want to talk about it because that won’t help. It’s nonsense. I’ve hurt my own feelings & my mood will naturally rise. 

I realize he’s uncomfortable with my low mood & that makes me want to get out of it. My brain wants me to get over myself quickly too: “He will not want to be with you if you’re moody. He won’t want to be with you if he can’t make you happy. Be happy. Let it flow. Smile.” 

All this pressure makes me want to cry & a tear rolls down & my brain yells at me again. “No one wants an emotional girlfriend. You are so strange and confusing”

So I take a moment to write all of this while he’s downstairs making coffee. Writing it lets me clear my head. It was in writing it I realize that what I need now is compassion & patience. Compassion for my human moment. Compassion that I had an emotional reaction. Patience with my journey. Just because I had an emotional reaction doesn’t mean I’m not far along in my understanding of the Three Principles. It means I’m human. 

I can stop at one emotional reaction rather than layering on another one of judgment about the first one. 

Almost instantly after writing this my mood started to lift & by the time my boyfriend was back with coffee I’d gotten over it.

Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.

To love yourself is to understand you don’t need to be perfect to be good.

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.

You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.

You were born to be real, not to be perfect. 

There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let others get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.