Health anxiety

I used to worry A LOT about the health and safety of my children. I thought worrying meant I was responsible. I didn’t know any other way. If I wasn’t going to look out for them who was?

I thought there were dangers around every corner. The possibility of people texting while driving made a simple bike or scooter ride unpleasant. Head injuries could happen at the playground. Their diet should be 100% organic and free of gluten, dairy, and processed food. Teflon and plastic were the enemy. I’d be so distracted by my fearful thoughts when hot soup was served to them in a plastic bowl or a family member was cooking on a non stick pan. 

We rarely ate out or got take away. It seemed easier to make all my meals from scratch (but boy was I exhausted by that after almost 10 years).

There are a million more things I worried about that kept me from enjoying my life with my children.

I thought if I could protect them that all would be well. I’d be doing my job. The thought of them getting cancer would almost paralyze me and it felt like my duty to prevent them suffering at all costs. Even though their dad seemed to have more fun with them, I comforted myself that I was doing the tough, yet more important work. Probably didn’t help my marriage that I felt resentment that he was so carefree while I was biting my nails and highlighting books.

I love my children dearly and wish them good, healthy, long lives. What has changed is that I’m more present and less worried about everything. I try to control things less. Strangely that’s effortless. It wasn’t something that I tried to fix. It was a by-product of understanding the nature of thought. This has been more transformative than all of the parenting books I read, the month long peaceful and mindful parenting courses I took, the week long retreats...

Things don’t hold the same charge they used to. It almost seems silly the things I used to worry about although I know they seemed very, very real in the moment.